October 1

Just where in the hell has the past 9 months gone? I sit here sweating from mowing on the much overgrown lawn hoping that it will be the last time I have to push that damn thing around for the season and wishing I lived somewhere else when BAM!

Do I really wish I lived somewhere else? In all honesty I guess not. I mean I live in a house that I do not have to pay on where I have no neighbors to speak of, plenty of space for the 3 dogs and the 5 cats to roam, away from the busy lifestyle that would accompany living in a city setting. I mean what more could I really ask for?

I get really frustrated sometimes as I am not a very patient person. I am good at hiding my head and pretending that all the bad things are not there if I don't look at them, and I really hate that about myself. I keep wishing for a job that doesn't require me to be away from home at the hours that I am. I want a job that is consistant in the hours I get each week, and I want a job that allows me to give my kids a little spending money when they need it.

I get frustrated because my life got turned upside down when the economy tanked and my mother decided that she didn't need my help anymore. At least as far as paying me a wage goes. She still expects me to do all the things I was doing before and now I am not available as much as she wants and that puts a kink in all her plans for me. What the hell?

I hate not being able to sit down once a month on the computer to pay all my bills. I liked knowing what was left over after they were all paid. I hate not having enough money each week to even pay what is due. I just really get pissed off over the whole thing. And knowing that it is all my doing doesn't help matters much.

Today I start a new class online and just knowing that it is 12 weeks long almost makes me rethink it. Can I do another class? I haven't finished the last 3 yet. Is this something that I really want to do or do I just get excited about the teacher and sign up without really thinking of the time commitments. Yea I think that one is it.

I think I need a nap!